To quench the burning desire to know...

The easy answer would be, "Yes, yes, I'm scared. I'm afraid." But it's not really true so I can't just cop to it. (True story: my middle brother got married way too young, at 19, and he and his wife had a lot of trouble the first...ah...20 years of marriage. Teenagers are apt to have trouble when they get married before they even figure out who they are, let alone what they want...but I digress. We can talk about marriage another day. At one point, she made him go to marriage counseling. He agreed with everything the counselor said to him. He agreed to make all kinds of changes. No arguing. No complaining. He just agreed to anything and everything, even though he thought it was all a colossal pile of crap. It was the one and only visit to the counselor he ever had to go to. The counselor said, "Wow, I think my work here is done. You don't need counseling." Now that's a smartie-pants brother. He and his wife just celebrated their 22nd anniversary. He extolled his wisdom to me and our older brother years ago and we all laughed and laughed. I think my other brother uses this method, too. I love those fellas!!)

And as easy as it would be to just say, "Yes, yes, whatever you say," I just can't do it. It is the path of least resistance and sometimes being stubborn out weighs being non-confrontational. Don't get me wrong. I have used my brother's methodology many, many times in my life and IT WORKS. But not here. Not now.

It's like climbing a ladder and reaching the top...now what? That's how I feel. I'm rushing up ice and my mind goes blank. "Now what?" It's just not automatic yet. I still have to think and plan and prepare, THEN I try to execute. At some point I will figure out how to let my mind go and my feet will do the rest. Just not yet, I guess. And I'm not sure that is even a conscious decision. I think it just happens magically one day. Like a light switch.

It's many things, but not fear. Try any of the following:

• apprehension


• lack of confidence


• poor execution


• limited understanding


• unwillingness


• retardation

Pick one, or all, but stop saying FEAR.
"Hallo! My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." "Stop saying that."
My work here is done.