Is this really not funny???

Seriously, I need a funny-check....

About six months ago, Honey came out of the kitchen holding a little piece of foil. It was the foil from the lid of my quart box of soy milk. (Hey. Don't knock it until you're tried it. It is YUMMY!) He carried it all the way back into the master bathroom where I was getting ready for work. He said to me, "You know what really bugs me? When you leave these little pieces of foil on the counter." I giggled. I had probably left them on the counter, maybe twice, three times at most. What made me giggle is that OUR KITCHEN WAS A DISASTER AREA at the time. The sink was full of dirty dishes. There were cans and glass bottles and newspapers, all needing to go to the recycle bin out back and the table was COVERED with his mail from the past oh...6 months. Yet, it was the little tiny piece of foil that I forgot to toss in the trash that bugs him??? It's not like I drink a box of soy milk a day. It takes me about 5 days, so it's not like they were building up. AND...I wasn't finished in the kitchen getting my lunch together, so I was going back in there and would most likely have seen it and thrown it away.

Okay. Fast forward to yesterday. I have been saving up these little foil toppers for the past three months. I've been hiding them in a secret place until I had enough to completely cover the little cutting board that resides on the counter...the scene of the crime six months ago when I left that little one by accident. Yesterday I decided my stash was a-plenty so I hatched my plan. I wrote a sweet little message on a Post-it, put it on the cutting board and then covered the cutting board with the little foil toppers. The whole while giggling like a little school girl.

When I got home, nothing. The cutting board hadn't been touched. It was as if he missed it completely, which would have been impossible. Well, being the impatient person that I am, I called him. I slyly asked him if he found my secret sweet note. He said, "What note?" I said it was hidden someplace funny....he said, "No." So when he came home I said, "HEY! Did you NOT see the funny little foil thingys on the cutting board???" He replied, "Yeah, I saw them but thought it was kind of crazy and a little schizophrenic..." He didn't even crack a smile.

"I mean think about it, you never hear the word "oy" and not smile. Impossible. Funny, funny word. "Poodle" is another funny word. Very funny. I know. Funny is funny. This isn't funny. I am now desperate, lonely and a criminal."

Driving in my car...

This is my lovely PudgeMobile. (I bought this car a year ago, off the lot with 7 miles on the odometer after my Honda crapped out on me going 70mph on I-70 in rush hour traffic, in the left lane, in 90 degree July heat. Oh, I was also in my business suit rushing to an early evening hockey game.) He is so named (if you know me, you know my auto always has a name...makes it more personable, I find, when you're trying to coax them out of a snow drift, up a big hill, or to keep running on a tank that clearly has been on E for awhile.) because of the last three letters on his plates: PUJ. Gawd bless the DMV.
Here's that story, sorry if you've already heard it ("Skip to the end.":


In September last year (Crap! That means my registration is due again...ARGH!), the DAY my temp tag expired (thanks to an ass at the dealership sitting on my paperwork) I made it to the DMV at 4:55, five minutes before they locked the doors. Funny, if you show up with five minutes to spare, you don't have to wait in a long line, at least on that given day. The first issue was when she told me it would be $575. Um, huh? It's not a fancy-schmancy race car or luxury SUV. It's a freakin' Subaru Forester. Then, the clerk hands me my plates. I look to see xxx-PUJ. Here's the last of our conversation, after I picked my jaw off the floor post check-writing:


Me: "Um, P-U-J? Really? I have to have 'pudge' on my plates for the life of this car?"
Clerk: "What? Oh. Yeah, well, at least it doesn't say F-A-T."
Me: "Good point. Hadn't thought of that..." How do you argue with that logic???


Not only is the Pudgemobile a rock magnet, it also came equipped with an invisibility cloak. I shit you not. About a month after buying him, a big truck kicked up a rock and dented the hood on the passenger side. About six months after that, a Jetta kicked up BOULDER and put a HUGE dent smack dab in the middle of my hood. That rock was so big I thought it was going to shatter the windshield. And, about a month ago, a Ford pickup kicked up a rock and cracked my windshield. As for being invisible...it has to be the only reason I am constantly being cut off, cut in front of, and generally ignored on every street in Denver, interstates included. Today I was driving on I-25 then I-70 to skate and I was cut in front of no less than six times, and TWICE people randomly just took over my spot on the highway as if I didn't even exist. Good thing I have cat-like, lightning-fast reflexes, and the Pudgster maneuvers so well or we would have been squished Subie and that would make me sad.

And this past Sunday ushered in the end of an era: my sweet, sweet Toby was sold to a high school student, who just so happens to be H's niece. Toby was my very first brand-spankin new car. I bought him at Bitterroot Motors in Missoula, MT, in October 1996 shortly after a psycho bitch driver totalled my Subaru Outback.

Toby is a forest green Corolla and possibly the most dependable and reliable car in the world. Why, why, why would I sell him???? I don't know. I sold out for an AWD and my first love has always been a Subie. I bucked it at first but then....the Tax Man cometh: cue ominous music and nasty letter from the IRS demanding $13,400. (Cue crying and sadness.) That's no typo folks. And certainly deserves it's own post at another time...

Honey drives away in the Tobster to deliver it to his niece, whom I will be teaching how to drive the 5-speed manual transmission this weekend.

Out with the Scoot...In with the Cruiser!

So after riding 36.6 miles all around Denver in the Urban Assault Ride (stay tuned), something donned on me...I can get anywhere I need to go, ON MY BIKE! Which means, free parking, no gas, no enviro impact, and an extra workout. Four great reasons to sell my sweet, sweet Scooter-Love and get me a cruiser.

I often do things out of order and with no patience for waiting, I skip to the fun part. "I hate waiting." True to form, I haven't sold my scooter yet, but I did get me a perdy new cruiser. Check it out!

This sweet ride is the Townie by Electra. It's the original "flat-foot" aluminium cruiser, meaning, when you sit on the seat, your feet are flat on the ground. It is a 21-speed haulin' ass machine! Sadly, the pix does not do the color justice. It's a magical, wondrous, shiny pearly purple. As quoted by some guy at the Walgreens yesterday, "Dude, I love your bike. It's like, candy apple purple. Way cool." My response, "Thanks, man."

And what does every girl need when she gets a shiny new cruiser??? A hip new helmet to sport! I certainly can't be wearing my Giro helmet that's built for speed when I'm cruising on my Townie. Right? Right!

This picture is for Coach. It's a little blurry, but it says on the back of it, "I LOVE MY BRAIN." Get it? Got it? Good!

The wire basket for the front and the streamers for the handle bars are on special order. Then it will be way tricked out!!!

Know anyone looking for a Piaggio LT50...low mileage...

Where the HELL have I been???

In the freakin' penalty box on a three-month blogging hiatus. It has come to my attention that I need to return to the blogoshere to release the demons that have taken over my brain.

It has been a BUSY three months. "There is too much. I will sum up."

May

• Played in FOUR hockey tournaments. Took 1st, 3rd, LAST, and 2nd places. The quad-fecta!









• Took an Indian cooking class. Very fun, and tasty, too! Mmmmmm...mangos....I mostly wandered around and let the other students cook the food. Never fear, I did taste it all at the dinner party afterwards. "You can really taste the chutney in dat one!"
• Ran the Bolder Boulder in the cold rain. Had great times for miles 1, and 4-6. Qualified to be in the top wave next year. THANK GAWD! Waves are A-JJ, or something like that. I was in wave HC. That is just too many people in front of me. GET OUT OF MY WAY PEOPLE! I'm trying to get to that port-o-john.

June

• Wrote an $11m grant, and two $2m grants for work in two weeks. There is no picture that can sum up that fiasco.
• Saw Ira Glass at Colorado College in the Springs. Highly recommend! If you've never heard him, go to http://www.npr.org/ and download some of his shows called This American Life. It is worth every second.
• Ran the Summer Solstice 5k in City Park in 28:40. This run is for skin cancer awareness. This is the finest example of foreshadowing I have ever known. More on that later. This run is at 6pm on a Wednesday. Who has a frickin run at 6pm in the middle of the week? People who don't work for a living. It's at City Park and there is NO PARKING at City Park. I ended up parking at the Natural History Museum and RAN about a mile to the start and got there AS THE GUN WENT OFF!!! That was a good warm up.
• Coach crashes motorcycle. Wear a helmet next time, dumb ass! I should have taken a picture of his road rash on HIS HEAD. Dumb ass.
• Jules' wedding. Good time had by all. Bon fire was a sight to see! "Check out these girls!"

Ann visits for DanskiTri. We've been friends for 21 years. That makes our friendship old enough to drink alcohol.

July

• Camping in southern CO with H, ABC & CBG + 3 dogs. Torn left quad muscle dampens the weekend. Although, I didn't have to be on camp set-up or take-down duty, so that's the plus to that story.



• P visits with sweet Norah. They are currently living in Singapore, which she delightfully calls Asia for Beginners. We've been friends for 25 years. Wow. That is a l-o-n-g time.










• Drums Along the Rockies at Invesco Field. Once a band geek...ALWAYS a band geek!

• URBAN ASSAULT RIDE - this will have it's own post because it deserves it!
• Curtie visits. We have been friends for 27 years. HOLY HELL that's a LONG TIME. He gets me with a Soup in the Bun surprise. DAMN HIM! He is one of the funnest people I know. I always have a great time with him and he always makes me laugh, even when there's nothing funny.

August

• Senior Open golf tourney in the Springs. This event had more rules and n0-n0's than any other even I've ever heard of. No cell phones, no cameras, no water bottles, no food, no signs or banners, no breathing...just kidding. Here's a tip: the best cell phone holder in the world is my bra. I always carry my phone, in my bra. So that's how I snuck my phone into this posh event at the Broadmoor in the Springs. What is the ticket taker going to do? Ask me to feel my breast? Ask me to strip down? Not going to happen. He didn't say anything, other than, "You can't take that food into the tournament." I had 2 Lara Bars, and 2 Honey Shots in my purse. I was ready for my "special needs diet" speech and 30 seconds into it he realized he didn't want my coma/death on his head so he said, "Okay, you can take them in, but just don't throw the wrappers on the ground." WHAT THE FUCK? That's why you won't let me take food in? Litter??? Um....they were selling all kinds of junk food with more litter possibilities than my little fruit & nut bars had. What really killed me is that we weren't allowed to take in water bottles. Well, it was 92 degrees out that day with clear skies. They were selling 20oz. water for $4.50, and not a drinking fountain in sight. We were there for six hours and walked more than 6 miles. Unless I wanted to invite heat stroke into my list of ailments, I needed to drink more than one bottle. I spent $36 on water that day. Shouldn't I at least get a share or two of stock in Coca-Cola for that price??? Last pro-golf tourney I go to. (We all look fairly pleased to be back at the house where water is NOT more expense than platinum.)


• Separated shoulder. To add insult to injury, the girl I chased down, took my stick, dropped it, got the shot off on my goalie and I got called for HOOKING!! (Not THAT kind of hooking.) It must have been mind-fuck hooking because the last time I checked, you had to have your stick in your hands to hook someone, and mine was a good 10 feet from where I crashed into the boards.
• MUDDY BUDDY - this will be posted with the UAR. This, too, is an event worthy of a separate post.
• Skin cancer. Morpheaform basal cell carcinoma. ON MY NOSE. I've heard third nostrils will be all the rage in 2009. Maybe I can just stick a hoop in it and it will look like a cool nose-ring that I put there on purpose.