Hump Day Wonders

Four innuendos on Hump Day:

"The male erection. Pitchin' a tent, sportin' a wood, stiffie, flesh rocket, tall tommy, Mr. Morbis, the march is on, icycle has formed, Jack's magic beanstalk, rigor mortis has set in, Mr. Mushroom-head, mushroom on a stick, purple headed yogurt slinger... oh, and a pedro."

Today I told a complete stranger that, "I like 'em really stiff. The stiffer the better. You couldn't make it too stiff for me." He didn't crack. Not one giggle. Once out of my mouth, I giggled. He just paused, then continued the conversation.

The color guy, John Kelly, calling the Avs game tonight said, "He just couldn't get it up...", which made me giggle. I'm guessing all my hockey friends giggled when they heard it, too.

The male facilitator on a work project said to me today, "Bettina, you make it so hard. Do you know how hard you're making it?" I laughed out loud. The rest of the group just looked at me.

Coach told me today, "Don't get on top of me!" I just giggled.

Makes me think the people I hang out with have dirty minds and the rest of the world does not. I think the rest of the world might be missing out on something.

Crazy things I learned on Hump Day:

A baby with two faces was born in India. She drinks from both mouths and blinks all four eyes. She only has one brain, though, so when she gets older, will she be able to have two independent conversations? The people in her village think she's a reincarnated Hindi goddess. What a fabulous culture to embrace her and worship her. I believe she would be shunned if she had been born in America. I may relocate to India. Love their food and they don't eat cows, either.

Chinese scientists serenade abandoned wolf cubs to help them learn to howl. One of the only two reasons I love Chinese scientists. That and the pandas.

The kitchen is the dirtiest room in the house. Not just my house, everyone's house. In fact, your cutting board (not mine, I'm sure) has roughly 200% more fecal bacteria than your toilet seat. You're not safe at work, either. There are about 400 times more bacteria on your desktop at work than on a toilet seat.

Here's a little known fact about laundry: washing your underwear with the rest of your clothing can cause hepatitis A and stomach flu from the fecal-borne organisms that burrow into clothing, even during washing. I'm thinking of going to disposable undies or just going commando 100% of the time.

In a study of cyclists who drank chocolate milk after riding until they were energy depleted, they were able to ride 50% longer than cyclists who chugged Gatorade or other sports drinks. Is it the milk or the chocolate?

Fat is the body's back up fuel system. The role it plays in the body is that when there is no carbohydrate around, fat will become the primary energy fuel. Unless, of course, your body is depleted of carbs. Then you burn muscle as fuel. This is bad.

SLEEP: Still not enough. At least I'm not this bad: One of the longest recorded sleepless stints dates back to 1964 (I wasn't even born yet) when a San Diego high school student, supervised by Stanford scientists, stayed awake for 264 hours and 12 minutes--a bit more than 11 days. It was previously believed that going without sleep for so long would cause serious mental damage. (I would argue that those who see me on 0-4 hours of sleep would agree with this.) It proved untrue, however, when the student, who sacked out for 15 hours, returned to his normal waking/sleep schedule with no noticeable aftereffects. That we know of. Oh, and clinical tests revealed that women need more sleep than men. That's because we do more in our waking hours than men do. I'm just saying.

"If I didn't wake up, I'd still be sleeping."

RAM: "Let someone else handle all the tiny details today--you've got bigger fish to fry. Somehow, you need to get a handle on the long-range plans for your family or workplace pretty soon."

Ram: 6

B: 2 (I'll fry 'em, but I'm not eating any fish. I've decided. Just. Can't. Do. It.)