"Ze Germans are ze schmartest people in ze worlt!"

I love the German people, I do. But sometimes they make me say, "Was das Bumsen??" [Loosely: "What the f*ck??]

They name the dispensers in their bathrooms, in ENGLISH...crazy English at that.

Lady Killer: These are paper bags for feminine products, I'm guessing...I actually brought one back to add to my scrapbook. [The unused bag, moron!] I just didn't think anyone would believe me if I didn't have proof.





Big Willy: The toilet paper dispenser is my favorite, for OBVIOUS reasons...

Soap Susi: She's a shy, puckish thing with industrial strength soap that will eat the skin from your hands if you leave it on long enough. (The Germans are germophobes {Misophobia or Mysophobia} for the most part.)

And last but not least, Paper Jack. He's a straight forward, hard working, rough, 45lbs stock paper towel dispenser. Towels double as mid-grain sand paper.

These pictures were taken in a quaint, very pricey restaurant where we celebrated the life of my Oma after her funeral. She loved that little restaurant. The first time we went there was on her 70th birthday [but I don't recall the group of crazy dispensers in the bathroom---I'm sure I would have mocked them back then, too.] She called ahead to make sure the cook would make me a vegetarian dish. I overheard her telling him, in the typical direct German tone, that bread and cheese are not an acceptable meal for a vegetarian so he'd better come up with something substantial and tasty. And he did! [Everyone did what Oma told them to do. She had a way of convincing anyone to do just about anything.] He made me some yummy vegetable gratin that I've never been able to replicate. Oma always made sure I was well taken care of...at this meal after her funeral, I had my choice of cheese on toasted bread or cheese on sprouted grain bread. I miss her.

Here's a picture from that trip. [My relatives eating at said restaurant. I'm not even sure who all of those people are...random folks looking for a free meal?]
I swear, this will not turn into a vacation blog. I don't even take vacations unless, apparently, there is a funeral involved. Proof? In the past four years, the only time off I've taken was for 1.) Opa's funeral, 2.) Oma's funeral, 3.) Gram's funeral...in that order. Crazy. Oh, and I'm fresh out of grandparents so no more vacation funerals for them!

So I was thinking about these funny dispensers today because I heard a scientist on the radio talking about all the germs in public bathrooms, and how you can catch all kinds of shit (pun intended) just by WALKING into a public bathroom. Now, I am a germophobe from way back. (See reference above regarding German people.) It takes all my resolve and the past 38 years gaining the strength to even go into a public bathroom, let alone to USE one! [It's true. As a child, okay, up until about five years ago, I never used public bathrooms unless I was drunk; too drunk to even remember using them. But my friends were witnesses, so I guess I did.] I did not need to hear this guy yammer on about the diseases living on the sink, soap dispenser, towel dispenser, etc., let alone the toilet! Ick! My skin is itchy just thinking about it. Oh, and those paper seat covers? Don't bother. Basically, after going into a public bathroom, you should strip naked, burn your closes and shoes, go through haz-mat decontamination, and dip yourself in bleach.

I bring this up because at the Avs game last night I had to go into the Pepsi Center bathroom to vomit. (I warned you earlier that food does not like me.) I can't imagine anything worse than having to stick your face near the seat, as opposed to your bum. I made it about four feet away and couldn't go any closer. I should have tipped the cleaning lady, except I'm not sure anyone had cleaned that toilet in about a month. Bad Karma points for me: -12.

"Next time why don't you just give me a paper cut and pour lemon juice on it!"

SLEEP STUDY: Was das Bumsen! I don't have time to sleep! I can say, unequivocally, on three hours of sleep a night I can fall asleep just about anywhere throughout the day. That is B's Sleep Theory #1.